Humor

Lutheran Humor

 

You Know You're Lutheran When...

10. The only meal time prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus".

9. All of your casserole dishes have your name on the bottom.

8. They have to rope off the last few pews in church so the front isn't empty.

7. A midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.

6. You can't imagine a celebration without food.

5. While wathing Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you" and you reply "And also with you".

4. At potlucks all the men have tableware and napkins in their shirt pockets so their full plates are easier to carry.

3. You are at a funeral of a family member who is Catholic, and you are the only one who says "for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever and ever. Amen." after everyone else is done.

2. You sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.

1. You arrive in church and start having a panic attack because someone else is sitting in your pew.

Hymns For All Things

The Dentist's Hymn:........... Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn......... There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn:........ The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn:............ Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn:............ There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn:........ Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn:....... Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn:......... I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn:.. ......... Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn:....... Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn:........... Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn:........... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn... He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn:............ The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

-----45mph...........God Will Take Care of You

-----55mph...........Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

-----65mph...........Nearer My God To Thee

-----75mph...........Nearer Still Nearer

-----85mph...........This World Is Not My Home

-----95mph...........Lord, I'm Coming Home

-----Over 100mph.....Precious Memories

Lutheran Air - Version 1

Thinking of going south? Fly Lutheran Air!

Fly Lutheran Air - The no frills airline you have been waiting for!
All meals are potluck. Rows 1-6 bring rolls; 7-15 bring a salad; 16-21 bring a main dish; and 22-30 bring a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his/her own luggage.
All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met.

Lutheran Air - Version 2

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTRAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNY SODA! ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN , NORT & SOUT DAKOTA

 

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline.

You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience.

Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce:

In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat.. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.

Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.

Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace:
Come, Lord Jesus , be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close.

 

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